Hi my name is Lindsay Nash
I am a 43-year-old single mother of five children. Yep, that’s right five children! .. I say children however two of them are grown-up aged 24 and 21, and one of them is almost all grown up at 16. Then there are my little ones aged 8 and 5 who, as you get to know me a little more you will know them as my ‘babies’. 3 girls and 2 boys!! My eldest is a boy and my youngest is a very strong-willed 5-year-old pocket rocket.
I was a single mum when I was 19 years old on and off (often returning to the toxic and abusive relationships) until I was 28 when I met my now estranged husband of 14 years.
I have now been a single mum again for a year after my husband and best friend decided that marriage and family life were no longer for him! So I began a relationship with someone else. I will talk more about marriage, the breakdown of it, and the pain that it caused in my blog posts so hop over to that section if that is something that may resonate with you. Although for now I just want to give you an insight into Lindsay Nash, who she is, what she’s about and the mission that she now finds herself on!
I was born to parents that had been together since they were 7 years old. They loved each other more as brother and sister than lovers (we can all perhaps resonate with that). My parents are still part of my life and I love them dearly. All I will say is that my childhood was a mixed bag of joy, happiness, sadness, huge fear, and regret. I was privileged in many ways as we had money and I had ponies etc. but I was also very insecure, lonely and at times absolutely terrified.
I don’t blame or hate my parents for any of the failings or mess-ups in my life as without them I would not be who I am today. I am however disappointed that it has taken me until I’m 43 years old to have understood this. Better late than never as they say!
My teenage years were completely dysfunctional. My Dad met someone else, left the family home and moved to Ireland. Not only did he leave the family home but he left the country. It was probably for the best at the time but I was so hurt and confused. I was very close to my Dad and I loved him dearly… I still do. My parents divorced and myself, my mother and my brother moved to the town in which I still live to this day.
My Dad and his new partner moved into my old family home, and soon afterward they had a baby girl. They went on to have a very toxic and abusive relationship for over 20 years. Something else I had to endure throughout my teenage years when my brother and I stayed with them. I am close to my step-mum and we are still in contact.
All of this combined with being 13 years old led to me completely hating myself. I was so angry and so messed up. I would physically fight with anyone that said the wrong thing to me. I was so insecure and obsessed with boys and having a boyfriend at all times!! Very often the naughtiest and most flawed boy around was the one I found most attractive. Well behaved people and/or boys were just not on my radar, I found them boring and almost a bit weird. I craved risk-taking behaviour and had no respect (at all) for authority.
I was extremely badly behaved at secondary school resulting in me being excluded from several schools but finally completing my education at my original one. No one or nothing scared me (or so I thought). I didn’t hang out with kids my age ‘school friends’ ….. I would hang out with much older people and have older boyfriends. During these years I did meet some ‘angel’ people in my life but I didn’t see it at the time…. but I did later on and I have thanked them and still love them to this day. Every relationship I had in my mid to late teens was totally abusive and unhealthy.
My Early Twenties and When I Became a Mummy
I then met the father of my first 2 children at 18. He was the love of my life up to that point and I adored him. He went on to become a heroin addict and I went through years of hell supporting him in and out of rehab. I can remember at the tender age of 20 wanting to take my own life as I couldn’t take any more pain and heartache. All I had craved all of my life was to have children and to create a perfect life for them, this just wasn’t going to plan at all and it was completely destroying me.
However, as much as suicide was on my mind so much and I literally couldn’t see the light at all, I could not leave my baby boy. He was and still is my entire world. As are all of my children. I then went on to have my eldest girl with this man after he came out of rehab clean. Unfortunately by the time she was 6 months old he was using heroin again and so I decided enough is enough and I walked away. I was broken for a number of years over that relationship.
I then formed another 4-year relationship with another man who deep down is a good person but again when he was drunk, which he was regularly, he was extremely abusive. It was mostly verbal and emotional abuse although when he would hurt me with his vile tongue I would then physically attack him out of pain and defense and we would end up fighting one another. He abused me several times when I was pregnant with our daughter and when she was newborn. When he was sober he was so kind, caring, and great with my children which is why I stayed so long. However, it got the point where I decided when our daughter was around 1-year old that I couldn’t put myself or my children through any more of this and I ended the relationship.
Finally, I Met Mr. Right!
At 28 years old and carrying a huge load of grief, abuse, sadness, fear, guilt, pain, and hope around with me along with 3 small children (one only 18 months), I met my now-husband. He is 7 years younger than me so only 21 at the time. He was, however ‘normal’ HOORAH!! Finally, someone who could love and support me, and I could create that perfect family that I had always craved!!!
We fell in love and had so many fantastic years. We had so many fabulous holidays and adventures and were literally best friends. He had been lucky enough to experience a good and stable upbringing and was therefore very level headed and didn’t play games or come from a place of insecurity. He was just a great guy. We had so much fun. He supported me to complete a university degree where I got a 2:1 Honours. Then after 5 years of being together, he proposed and in 2010 we got married. We had a beautiful wedding with all of our friends and family there. It was a boiling hot day! I was so happy. Finally, all my chaotic past was behind me and I was creating the life of my dreams with this man.
We went on to have 2 children. Our little boy was an absolute angel and we truly adored every second with him. Life was perfect. Later on, we welcomed our baby girl Oakley to the world. I had problems just after the birth and lost so much blood I could feel my life slipping away from me. I had several blood transfusions and spent some time in hospital recovering.
Oakley wasn’t an easy baby. She cried. A-LOT! We had gone from having this gorgeous, easy baby boy that you could take anywhere to this devil baby that you couldn’t take anywhere!! Meals out (which we loved) and holidays all became pretty unbearable with this child!! Unfortunately, my beautiful mother-in-law passed away 2 years before our wedding and my parents aren’t very ‘hands-on’ Grandparents. So we had no real-time away from our screaming baby!! Anyway, we both feel that this put pressure on our relationship and things started to go stale. We needed some weekends away or even a holiday together. We needed ‘us time’ but we didn’t get any. I was a full-time mum and my husband worked long hours.
We rarely argued and always got on well really and continued to support each other but something was missing. The spark had died. Which is very common in relationships of 14 years I know. I began to resent the way he treated me and vice versa. We were still the best of friends, we just needed a bit of help and support. Unfortunately, that help and support didn’t come and almost a year to the day from writing this my husband left the family home and decided he didn’t want married life anymore. He said we would be better parents to Ryder and Oakley apart. I knew instantly that he had met someone else. Something he denied for weeks. He adored me and his children and would never have left us if his head hadn’t been turned by another woman. When you know you know, right?
I was absolutely broken, to say the least. My perfect (or so I thought) family life was no more. The man I always thought would have my back was no longer with us. Overnight I lost my husband, my best friend, my rock. The pain I felt was absolutely terrifying and something I had never felt before. I can only describe it as grief. As a huge sense of loss.
All of my children were devastated. Particularly my ‘babies’. Their world had been pulled from them and in the blink of an eye, they had gone from having Mummy and Daddy with them every day, all weekend every weekend to Daddy no longer living here. My son was 7 and my daughter was 4 when he left. He was my son’s best friend and my daughter’s hero. They were so confused and heartbroken and had to witness their Mummy going through such pain. As much as I tried to do my crying at night (and believe me I cried rivers in my bedroom) I was still a broken woman. I am very good at pretending I am fine as I hate pity and to be looked at as a victim. So most people had no idea of what I went through in those first few months. It was horrendous and I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worst enemy.
This is where I rose from what I thought was the dead!!!
I have been a total self-development and positive psychology addict since 2016. The methods that I had learned over the years really helped me in getting through this time in my life. Yes, I would cry at night and yes I would drink a bottle of wine and lay on the floor sobbing until I could barely breathe at times. But at the same time, something was rising inside me. I was working daily on my mindset. I was practicing techniques I had learned, reading book after book. Having my earphones in at any given opportunity listening to positivity, motivation, and inspiration. I needed to get the fuck up and sort my life out for my children. I couldn’t do it for myself at that time. I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything. I felt I had ruined my children’s lives. I must have made him hate me. It was my fault that he left. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough for him. I had never been enough for anyone. These are the stories I was telling myself. But my children needed me.
I absolutely adore every second I have with my children as I know from experience how quickly they grow up. I didn’t want to spend any more time grieving my marriage and wasting all day every day thinking what if this what if that…… I wanted to enjoy the most precious time with my children. I wanted to find my spark again.
So I started working out daily. I started boxing, running, HIIT training. I did several things that I was terrified of and soon realised I really needed to get my arse out of my comfort zone if I was going to create a new and better life for myself. I slowly began to feel better. To feel empowered. I actually began to love myself. I started telling myself well done. Something I’d never done before. I’ve completed some life coaching courses and really started to implement everything I’ve learned into my own life and watched the positive changes begin to happen!
I can honestly say it’s been the most emotional and toughest year of my life. I am in no way over it at all and I would be lying to say I was. I still cry some days and I still feel so sad that my marriage failed. More so because I lost my best friend. However, I no longer blame myself. Of course, I wasn’t perfect but neither was he. I was a good, loyal wife and I am a bloody fantastic mother (check me out giving myself compliments) and I am now living my life for myself on my own terms.
I am on a mission with a purpose.
I have defined my values and I am determined to live my life in alignment with them and encourage and support as many women as I can to do the same!!